To practice:
Shrugging, and saying, Ok, this feels like this. Great. Now carry on. *shrug.

This is not something that I am good at doing. I plan to get very good at it.
Not because I want to turn into a cold hard bitch. Because I want to stay sane-ish through PhD submission, job hunting, making decisions about moving to India vs. staying here, moving with the man vs. moving without him.
The last one, especially. Makes me want to stop breathing.
That will not do.

Middle Name

Angst:
[engk-stuh]
A feeling of dread, anxiety or anguish.
1944, from Ger. Angst "neurotic fear, anxiety, guilt, remorse" from O.H.G. angust, from the root of
anger.

Loser

4am. Alarm goes off.
Too anxious about PhD work to sleep.
Too anxious about PhD work to work.
Solution?
Lie under the blanket in a half-daze until 6.
Consider the amount of time being wasted and spiral into panic.
Freeze underneath blanket until 6:30.

Yuck.

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
- Lily Tomlin

What is the word for when you said it, you thought it up, you swear!! and then you see it on your google news as if it were the plainest thing in the world to know - she thought, it not you!

Sometimes I honestly believe human beings think and connect and share ideas - hell, we have whole conferences! - just by unconscious telepathy.
Like today. I was at a meeting where 3 other people said they'd already set out plans for exactly the same thing as I'd already been thinking! A year ago!
There is a lesson in this:
When thou thinkest something and you think it is a good idea, put.it.out.there.don't.delay.

There is also a corollary:
It's about the idea, not you.
So concentrate on how great it is that lots of people share your idea, it's moving forward because someone amongst you had the balls to roll with it first, so you should now roll up your sleeves and get to work, contribute and make sure you all pull it off.
Unfortunately, at this rat racy stage in my rattish life, my first reaction is simply to pout, stamp my feet on the playground and say But but it's MINE!! *grabs fabulous MINE idea out of impostors greedy grasping paws.

Hmphfffff. Ego. Must meditate more.

A question

The desire to be moved. To seek it out.

Does this make me naive, or just addicted to feeling alive?

Just musing

An insight, unedited:
When we push people away during the hard times, are we in denial?
If I let you hold me, it means something is wrong. And I don't want anything to be wrong, I don't want to be in this pain, I want to fine. So treat me as if I am, and we can all pretend effectively.
So much of ourselves is 'made' by how other people treat us.
And we rail against it when everything's fine, but when it's not, do we use this as a tool?

Unapologetic about this...

I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvinient, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Couldn't have put it better myself.
But be careful what you wish for: ridiculous, when it comes along is really - well - ridiculous. Likewise inconvinient.
Likewise can't-live-without often means can't live with either. (Which is just a feedback of ridiculous, above.)

Hah. Wishes. You get them granted, you cringe. You see a quote that sums it all up perfectly, you cringe. You think of it all being taken away, you crumple.
Long distance life.

tiny paw prints

of kittens, of puppies
of tiny five-toed feet,
cactied with baby claws.
these used to be quite like mine,
until someone picked up this white kitten
and took dastardly liberties with her claws.

and now baby cats have one up over me,
they still make footprints in the snow,
i can only make smudges
that shine redly like ruined poppies.