Saturday, 26 April 2008

A totally boring personal list.

Away for three months in India. Ostensibly for fieldwork. Scared shitless.
Here is my proposed panacea:

1. Revise Literature Review for PhD.
2. Finish and refine interviews/questionnaires in the first two weeks.
3. Spend off-time in villages reading for said revision of lit. review. This will help both fieldwork and subsequent writing up of the review. Is better when they happen in tandem. Hello, grounded theory.
4. Revise and update Deep Ecology essay.
5. Synthesize all material on revised env. education and write kick ass background paper for Steffen.
6. Develop and write proposal for PhD Env. Studies group at Essex. Uni. and send to highly senior but indulgent member of staff whose blessings (and funds) are sought. Make approval of Oracle the be-all-and-end-all of the exercise.
7. Read research methodology text books. Forget targetted reading. I have no methodological training. Therefore it everything is relevent to read. Period.
8. Read at least 4 non-PhD-related books.
9. Renewed friendships, new friendships. Take both out for coffee at least twice a week. (Except for weeks when I am at study sites, obviously).
10. Make list of background information I might need and rabidly pursue dossier-building.
11. Count down the days to Essex.

Monday, 21 April 2008

Come back to me.
Seriously. I can't wait anymore. Just come back. I'll be underneath the same tree you left me under. It is still thundering over there, you just have to cross the grey square near the library at the University. And it's a five minute walk towards the lake. Even the angels you left there are restless by now.

But just in case, just in case, I have made a terrible mistake, and I do not know the name of the addressee, I will just say, Come to me. And throw this out into the Universe. He'll hear. Surely he cannot still be out of earshot?!
Come on.


Open/closed, arms open wide, wrapped in a selfhug. Flying, plummeting. Eyes open, eyes squeezed shut. Sexless, lustful. Contemplating Stockholm, running far and fast and still checking my email every ten minutes.
"Do something with your life that does not involve waiting."
Ouch. But only because it's true.

Excited. Sick and tired.
Smiling, sobbing.
Orgasmic. Numb.

We sit at the edge of your bed and I cradle your head against my shoulder, trying my best to communicate, through my arms, that in this one moment, you are totally warm, totally safe, totally connected to me. We rock gently back and forth and I am willing you to relax in my embrace. You do. And something inside me is inflamed with soft warmth.

Want to travel. Want to settle. I've found The One. No One is right for me.
Alone. Connected. In love. Isolated. Misunderstood. Dark. Alone. Illuminated. Ecstatic.

I want everything.
I want to stop wanting.