Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Things that I feel 'because' of my Father's illness (i.e. because of my response to my Father's illness):

Fear is a big part of it.

I am scared of getting old.
I am very frightened of being ill. I am especially scared of getting cancer.  I've been scared of cancer since I was a child, somehow feeling that it is my fate to have it.
There were many times during my life, knowing and seeing what my Father went through in his old age and decline, that I openly voiced my intention to die early, to avoid such a prolonged period of suffering.  Voicing these intentions, I was simultaneously horrified, and terrified, but unable to 'unthink' or 'unvoice' them.  I have voiced them, variously, to friends, to my Mother and to my Father.

I am frightened of the implications of this, because I believe we create what we think about or give voice to. Have I created a cancer in either my present or my future? I don't know and I hope not. Have I created a shorter life than I otherwise would have because I repeatedly said that that is what I want?
I don't know, and I don't know who to ask.

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