Saturday, 20 July 2013

I detest it when people tell me that my Father is 'here', 'near me'.
This is not because I don't believe in a hereafter, or in signs. I always have.
I just hate the way they are trivialised and used as some kind of cheap anesthetic.

I think I got one sign from my Father. In a dream, just after he died, I was sitting with him in the hospital room where we died. He was awake, and looked well. He was still in that awful bed, but he seemed fine. I was chatting with him. I looked at his heart monitor, and said, It's off! and he said,  Thank God.

I told my Mother the next day, and she insisted it was a sign. Something about that insistence irked me, and I insisted it was not. I felt like I was betraying something deep within me, but I said it's just my mind. I didn't dream of him again.

Thereafter, I heard of other signs.  Gifted to my Mother, and my sister, but not to me.
What are the possibilities?
Maybe I cannot see the signs because I denied them. Maybe it's because he senses my anger and it is, in fact, wrong to feel the way I do. Maybe it hurts him. Maybe he didn't love me. Maybe it's because I left my Mother and sister at home and came back away to England to lead my life and that was wrong.
Maybe the whole thing is a pile of shit.
Maybe he didn't love me? 

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