So. More on anger.
I was asked by Mum why I didn't sound so hot.
I said I didn't want to talk about it. She sounded concerned.
I should clarify that she always sounds concerned, and that my anger about being unable to communicate with her is not because she never asks, or is dismissive. She asks. It's just that her subsequent responses shut me down completely.
Responses like: Yes I understand it's just a shattering kind of loss. I know, because after all, I've lost my spouse.
The first part of that response primes to recall all the uber-drama of many years past. As a result of those years, I've become allergic (literally - I break out into hives) to anything that I perceive to be nonsensical amounts of dramatics, hysterics or OTT-ness.
Excitement, I can do. Squealing about pretty things, I can do. But frame a problem in nonsensically sad terms (even if it is nonsensically sad,) and I can't take it. My first instinct becomes: It's not that bad. Pull yourself together.
The second part of her response - after all I've lost my spouse. Well. Who the fuck is competing. It makes me feel invalidated and subordinated. It makes me feel like I have to turn my caretaker on and console her.
Sometimes, this is fine. But I detest it when people attempt to console you by pointing to their own greater misery. It kind of defeats the fucking purpose.
The anger stems from my expectation that I should be able to talk to my Mum. The expectation stems from the fact that once, I felt like I could. No, I knew I could. In fact, she was my sole confidant and closest friend. I felt understood, protected and loved unconditionally. I still know that I am loved but something has changed and I don't know how to change it back. Every conversation stresses me to the point of a headache because I start out wanting a different kind of conversation, an authentic communication, but our habits of communication inevitably lead us down the same old paths. I hang up feeling resentful and very angry. I think she hangs up feeling sad and confused, wondering where her daughter really is.
I don't know how to change this.
I've tried many different things none of which really work for prolonged periods. I still want it to change - I'm not able to accept that we might never feel connected again. That would be a terrible loss for me. I feel stuck, sad and scared that that is the way it's going.