Fairy resting in the cold.

From here

Observed: Without changing anything at all except the background music, I've gone from crying helplessly to giggling uncontrollably to crying again to giggling again.
#GodisaDJ

I pick up the phone.

There's a beeping coming from the other end.

I think: There's a faulty connection, or it's my father's heart.

Either way, there's a problem.

What I want to say

Something great happened today.
Something awful happened today.
Kiss me, a lot, please and make them both go away for a while,
I'm tired.
Instead, we will say: What's for dinner. How are you. Cold out? Water's hot! Fancy a tea? Goodnight, darling.

A cliche, but so what:

Today I have kept dry eyes through:

The news that my father is ill and in hospital and not doing well,

The fact that this came 8 weeks before a major international conference that I'm helping to organize,

The fact that I have a major report to write which is behind schedule and

Listening to my mother's tearful and panicked voice on the phone.

But:

The fact that it has just started raining outside, after I've spent an hour straightening my hair with every heat-styling tool known to humankind, has made me burst into loud, passionate and completely juvenile-sounding tears.

One year!

18th February, 2011.

I haven't even started recovering.

Life is a bitch with a sense of humor

Two days ago, I was screaming down the phone: "Pick yourself up, for God's sake. It is how it is, why do you cry about it all.the.time. You're sad. ALL. THE. TIME."

I have been screaming some variation of this, often, since approximately age 9.

Today, I caught a glimpse of reflection in my office window, crying. Again. Alongside all the beauty and joy, I too am sad. ALL. THE. TIME.

Some weeks (or months) it is closer to the surface. Other weeks, I am joyfully climbing the cliff I am shortly going to jump from.

And the only person who'd really understand this,

The person who has put pensiveness in my bloody cells,

Hung up on me two days ago (unsurprisingly) and hasn't rung me back.

So I texted today, and said sorry, Ma.