I should have admitted this years ago, but have only now grown up enough to say:
1. Dude, the reason I fell asleep when we were watching The Godfather was because I was bored. Out of my mind. At the gore, the faux 'cleverness', the 'hard' 'strategy'. But most of all, at your constant breathless faux anticipation.
2. Similarly, Guy Ritchie does nothing for me.
3. David Beckham is not hot.
4. I hate it when you say 'I know Tara' with such confidence - Maybe Tara is perverse, but you certainly didn't know about points 1, 2 and 3, above. Evidence: your reaction when I told you.
5. *sip sip on my Cosmopolitan.
How come you turned into such a corporate rat? When did you forget enthusiasm (and replace it with very shrill screeches of Yeeeah Man!!! when your football team wins)? When did you start to think that you 'need' 25 pairs of shoes 'just in case' (... there is a serial shoetheif around??)? Why do you still not know or care or ask what the fuck I'm doing for my PhD (I know: because my 'real life' will only start post-thesis when I start earning and therefore this is not worth your time.) And last - h.o.w. do you and me have a normal conversation after this when you want to 'just chill man, I've had a hard day at work', while for me 'I am still whirring - as we speak - and cannot for the life of me, be sated by any of the things that excited you tonight.
They say the best mirror is an old friend, but hell, I hope like hell when I look there I see nothing of myself.