The perfect excuse for bad blogging:
The more eloquently I can describe my life, the more distanced I am from the chaotic ambiguity that I love most about it.

But on a different note, here's the thing:
I've always thought that I love the ambiguity.
I'm discovering that I don't love it unconditionally, by any means.

Perhaps I'm not as immune to conditioning as I'd hoped. Isn't the whole point of the human enterprise to remove ambiguity? From the scale of the couple to the scale of the civilisation, 'success' means that we've locked things down and then systematically removed each and every question mark.
Put up a wall between the civilised and the Wild everything-else.
Definition. Understanding. Prediction. Control.
Engineered Perfection with low probability for disaster or despair.
Isn't that what we try to do, from the lone soul to the species?

And so it is that all of a sudden I find myself asking the Man: Seriously, what is going to become of us. Until I know for sure, I can't be Sure. And if I'm not sure, I can't be here.

To take what at first was the only limitless thing in my life, and then try to wrestle it to the ground with deadlines and contracts: Whose fault will it be when I can no longer fly? And will I mind when I wake up and realise what I've done?

Denial 101

Sometimes the best way to do something that you think is impossible is to pretend that you're already doing it, and doing it well.

Voila.

Conversations with God.

Will it happen?

Yes.

"How do you know?"
(I always need to be sure.)

"I know, trust Me."

"How will it happen? There are all these PROBLEMS in the way!"

"That, child, I do not know, only you can know that."

General Observation

People you love will disappoint you.
You will feel bruised and alone.
Someone will come along who makes you think you can tell them everything. They'll appear to have a halo and will be everything you've ever wanted and you can't do without them and you tell them your deepest hopes and wishes.
This is the person who will disappoint you terribly.
You will be bruised and alone.
The people you love will come running as soon as you call.

Lesson learnt:
The people you love will come back.
Don't talk to the overly-sparkly ones who appear when they turn their back. They're the universe's way of turning the pack against the weak and wounded.

Things are changing:

When a person leaves, I now say goodbye, without bitterness.
I used to take it very personally. Of course, this does not apply to all people. But the exceptions I can count on the fingers of one hand.
When I want to leave, I now say goodbye, without sadness. (And the number of people who'd try to stop me I can count on the fingers of one hand.)

Comes with practice - years and years of practice. But this is a good place to be.

You know you want something quite desperately when you wake up in the middle of the night to find yourself arguing for it out loud.

There are only three certainties

With so many question marks, it is easy to miss the exclamation points.
They are, in no particular order -

The Man loves me. I love him.
My parents love me. I love them.
Home is beautiful. And I am here, in my other home, by choice and it was the right choice and I know it.

And there is someone smoking outside my window and I can smell it and I am back in a quitting phase and that ashy smoky fragrance is not helping matters.